Why am I doing this? WHY?

Dear friend,

I couldn't sleep. It wasn't because of you at first. I usually can't sleep and really the being alone part doesn't help at all. But when I finally felt tired enough from not sleeping for days to lay myself down in bed there you were! You popped into my head while I tossed, turned, and twisted in the blankets and sheets. I kept remembering your name (unusual and stereotypical all at once), your face, the color of your skin and hair. I remembered when we were together and when we weren't together and the wonder set in.

So where are you now? I crawled out of bed and drug myself here in the dark to find you. I will get no sleep once again! But searches are futile and the last time I tried I found nothing. It's almost like you never existed and yet you're such a huge part of me the thought of that is terrifying. I remember you, I feel that you're not near, and I become a strange sort of ill. How could I have imagined this? Everyone else remembers too. Where did you get to and how the hell did I lose track?

It was months ago when I searched myspace. Maybe almost a year. I searched facebook today. Everyone has one. Profiles are private and is that tiny picture beside the familiar name you? No, the eyes are wrong! The skin and hair are all the right color but you had those eyes... They weren't like other eyes. They were yours and she didn't have them, did she? The girl in the picture? Was it too small to see? Have you changed so much whereas I have not? Oh god, have I changed? Would you recognize me? Would I even recognize you?

And now I am afraid that I close a window on my browser and once again a door on our future. Where did you move to after the first time? You're a woman now, like me, I suppose. Did you make it that far? Are you in college? Are you even alive? Why do I get the feeling sometimes that I have missed another funeral? Was it yours or was it mine?

How do I find what I have lost when I don't even know what the missing thing is anymore? A person, yes, but who have you become? And my friend, would you even like me now? Or were we fated to grow apart because we would grow up so different? I miss our years. What if we made a mistake?

- J

So, I felt the need to write this. THAT IS HOW IMPORTANT IT IS TO ME. Because I never write journals, right? Well, anyway, spoilers about the book that comes after Howl's Moving Castle are here. GOOD ONES. Read on if you're interested.

So, first of all, we were all wondering what happened between Sophie and Howl, right? The end of the first book made us sort of wonder since there was nothing too solid in it. No actual kiss or anything to lock it in. Well, here is what happened:

Castle In The Air reveals to us that Howl and Sophie got married. And that they quarrel a lot because this is what they do. ALSO, their son is named Morgan! HOW FUCKING CUTE IS THAT!? Oh, and Morgan was born as a kitten... You'll have to read it for that to be explained. But no worries he is baby enough in time!

Anyway, this book not only has new and interesting characters but Prince Justin, Sophie, Howl, and Calcifer all return. (GO BLUE FIRE!). Lettie also makes an appearance and GUESS WHAT!? She is pregnant with Wizard Suliman's child. It's a girl. SPOILED. Still, knowing all of these things about the characters from the first book does nothing to spoil the amazingness of the next book and the new characters in it. You will also be delighted to read about the way the old characters come in. And surprised. SO FUCKING READ IT. Diana Wynne Jones rules your world. SO, recap and summary of this entry:

Howl + Sophie = MARRIED + Baby = Morgan

Lettie + Ben Suliman = Married + Baby = GIRL BABY XD

Calcifer = STILL BLUE AND AS BIG AN ASS AS HOWL IS

Howl is still blond, Sophie is still a ginger, the world goes on as it should be with some lovely bits added about the "other world" Howl is from. (Our world! XD). Here's a good quote:

"My word, he's ugly!" Howl said. "Chip off the old block!" - On first seeing his son.

MOTHER FUCKING READ IT.

-Jordanz lawlz

It was terribly nice today. Does that make sense? Terribly nice. This nice day wasn't terrible though. I went with my family and we drove to the gorge and had a picnic. I spent most of the day reading like I usually do but I did take the time to enjoy the sun while doing so and the seventy-five degree perfect weather. I think I am ready for it to be a bit warmer though.

So anyway we went to Benson State Park and aside from reading I wandered around the creek and the railroad tracks. It was a good day to follow a night of sitting around in a hot tub and reminiscing about the past and how silly we all "used to be". We're still silly we're just the grown up sort of silly that is labeled carefully as "outgoing" to keep us from sounding like we're still children. Which of course we are not and we would be greatly offended to be called so, right? What's so bad about being a child?

I'm eager for the rest of the month. For the rest of my life.

--- --- --- --- --- --- --- ---

He used to take great pride in knowing exactly where he was and exactly what he was fighting for. But over the few years this man had spent in the service of his half of the country he had lost that drive. Pride was something he only vaguely remembered having once. What did it feel like? Killing was killing now. It didn't suddenly bother him but it no longer thrilled him in the same way. It was all very mechanical and he hardly paid attention to the dying faces of the men he ended when he did so anymore. Perhaps one day his face would look the same. He didn't need to study it to wonder. He had seen this face enough to last him a lifetime and it had burnt itself into the back of his mind. There it rested and as the burn healed it became a part of him like any other scar.

And, oh, the scars! There were plenty of those. He had worked his way up from the fairly lower ranks to where he was now, sitting high on his horse with his hat tipped gently over his eyes on the top of a knoll, watching the enemy from the shadow of his brim. One hand was on his saber and the other gently held the reins that he used to guide his great black mare. But she need little guidance anymore. She was a warrior just as surely as he was and charging into battle had become instinct to man and beast alike. But not yet. Now was the time for waiting. War was war, brutal and unforgiving, and yet it was all so orderly. Attacks were planned, a sort of joint effort between both sides, and agreed upon. Battles were a little bit like a gathering for tea time. Only instead of sharp and vicious tongues and glances the object here was to avoid a blade or bullet. Nor where they exchanging words like ladies might, instead exchanging blows.

His darkened hazel eyes shifted momentarily to the side to the young man on his right. He was surely too young to be a soldier. Perhaps the man's eyes were playing tricks on him. Perhaps he had lost all sense and the ability therefore to judge the proper age to throw your life away to the hunger. That was what it really was. A hunger that could only be fed by the chance to prove oneself. Or a thirst that could only be sated by blood. His eyes snapped forward again. He could feel the dryness of his mouth and the aching in the pit of his stomach. He could hear the nervous stamping of hooves and rustling of belted weapons. Now was the time, he thought, as the sun beat down on his shoulders and warmed the gray wool of his uniform. Now was the time to lead the charge. And he was a leader because he was born one. Once he had wanted to be. Now he was nothing else save a soldier. Drawing out and unsheathing his weapon he thrust it into the air and let out a cry. Some practiced set of words that he didn't even comprehend anymore. They were propelling forward.

Perhaps to death.

Perhaps to victory.

Perhaps to both.

-J

Silence is a two-faced monster. Sometimes you crave it, you want it, NEED silence. Sometimes it is the way you answer a question or a comforting change from whatever sound is ailing you. But then it shows it's other face. The one that is ugly and just fucking full of confusion. It can be an answer and a question. But then again, so can you.

------------------

First there are eyes, barely open and fighting to stay that way. But soon they flutter closed. When she wakes up she is laying in some grass, her eyes barely open again against the sunlight. She can smell flowers around her and they smell nice. Suddenly then sunlight is gone, or rather is is obscured by a foreign face.

She sits up quickly with a yelp. The face belongs to a boy who is staring down at her. He jumps back, hands in his pockets, and whistles.

BOY: Jeez, Doll! Don't be so frightened.

GIRL: Who are you!?

BOY: Name's Briar. Who are you?

And then she realizes that she doesn't know. Where is her name? She is suddenly in a panic, looking around as if she might find it. Maybe she dropped it somewhere. She gets to her feet, not bothering to brush off her skirts. She realizes she is in a garden now where the flowers and other plants have taken over. There are remnants of stone here but she isn't sure exactly what they all used to be. They are covered in vines. Somewhere everything still looks beautiful and new.

BOY: [is staring at the girl with a strange expression, then sighs] Oh I see. So you left your name. Well, you're going to have go back and get it. You can't stay here without it. Well, you can but... You really should get your name, Doll.

GIRL: [she turns to Briar again, making her own face] Go and get... My name?

BOY: That's right! Over there. You've got to climb back up to the top of the tower. The door there, well, that's where you came from. We all came from the door. Only most of us bring our names along. It's kind of a silly thing to forget.

She looks over to where Briar had pointed. There is a large stone tower on the other side of the garden. How had she missed it before? It stretched into the sky like a giant beast. There were no windows, and as far as she could see no doors. But it was encased in flowers and plants like everything else here. She doesn't know if he is right but there is nothing around but the tower and she has to get inside.

GIRL: How do I get in there?

BOY: [smiles deviantly] Follow me.

-SCENE-

How scattered can I be? Really.

My next deviation will be to honor the fact that I have now accumulated over 20,000 pageviews somehow. It is honestly baffling to me. Who the hell is looking at my crap!? I don't know. But I am glad that people are. It makes me happy.

In other news filming being over is kind of a weird surreal feeling. It's like I don't know what to do with myself if I am not expected on set. I wonder if it will always feel that way or if it's just the first time. Yes, I do intend to do this more. It was a good experience, and though they were fairly disorganized, I can't imagine ever working with a better crew than the one for the Twilight film. They were like a family for a brief time.

Shooting up zombies can only distract me so long. I love my Wii. But I have this weird addiction to books that I can't seem to shake. I have been to the bookstore this week way too many times for my own good. And of course I spend money and I end up coming home with novels and finishing them in two-three days when I am TRYING to make them last. I read way too fast. Just ask Dylan, it alarmed him.

Young adult fiction is my focus right now, as well as classic literature. The young adult books are partially research but I am also addicted to them. The way the writing flows so easily and I can just read for hours without needing a break is nice. The predictable plots that somehow also managed to have very satisfying twists are incredible to me. I will one day be able to create this myself. Hopefully it is one day soon.

Anyway, that's all from my end for now. Expect that 20,000 deviation... Eventually.

-J